The Bachelorette: Meet (my) Emily’s Men

2 May

It’s that time again! I was super pumped when I found out on Twitter that the profiles of all the men were being posted today. The season is right around the corner which means I get to lose my Monday night’s and I finally have consistent blog content!

I’m assuming some of the guys from this season have stumbled upon my blog because they set up Google Alerts and a link to this popped up in their inbox. For the guys, and all new readers, welcome! This blog will be completely sarcastic, an attempt at humorous, and not meant to be taken too seriously. Try to laugh along and relax while reading…nothing is meant to offend anyone. Also, I may make extreme declarative statements throughout the season about the men being made for me, perfect for me, needing to be with me, etc, etc. I am completely joking with these statements…unless one wants to reciprocate. And then I’m 100% serious. I’m joking. Maybe. I’m totally harmless, I swear.

The release of the profiles is like a double-edged sword for us viewers. On one hand, we’ve been DYING to find out what guys are vying for Em. Who’s going to be the next guy we swoon for, the drama king and who is going to make a complete fool out of themselves. But on the other hand, these profile pictures have a HORRIBLE way of making the guys look nothing like they really do and the answers to the ridiculous questions are never a good preview to their true nature. But, without fail, we all pick our faves from this list and hope they don’t disappoint come night one.

I’ve tried to narrow down some top picks based on the sketch artist compositions photos and survey questions. Let’s get real…the below analysis has absolutely zero to do with their compatibility with Emily but more like how I’m sizing them up…for me. Because we all know only one ends up with the girl (if they’re lucky) and the rest are s.i.n.g.l.e.

I can see the cuteness and potential radiating behind this photo. I like the fact that he admits to being shy but at the same time dude needs to know how to approach a woman. He’s how old again? Oh yeah, 36! C’mon bud, time to sack up.
I think I may like this guy because he strongly resembles my college teeny bopper crush, Teddy Geiger.
Am I right?! All this guy needs to do is start singing “For You I Will” and game.over. I do have a weird thing about accents, though. He’s from the Netherlands and I have NO idea what that accent sounds like (or if he even has one) so that may be a deal breaker. If you have an accent and it’s not Southern or Australian, you’re not making it far with me.
One of the few guys that actually looks cute in his pic! I only hope this translates to real life. And he has a dog…bonus! AND his idea of perfect happiness is “every dog fed and every child with a roof over his head.”  ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Just take my heart. Take my heart right…stinkin’…now.
Again…another guy that has cuteness slightly radiating from the photo but didn’t take the best pic…I hope. I have a feeling he’s much more attractive than what this photo leads on. Either that or my radar for athletic men is in overdrive and won’t let me ignore him. We all know my sports/athletic obsession. Dude is an athletic trainer. He believes “athleticism is the “Art” of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.” Um, helllooooo…I went to Carolina, the birthplace of MJ. We are meant to be. Not to mention his greatest regret is not sticking up for his brother. Family is huge for me so that’s a plus!
Sean’s a little cutie. Good smile, pretty eyes and whatdya know…played football in college! Can laugh at himself – good quality. But biggest date fear is forgetting his wallet? Out of ALL the possible things to go wrong forgetting your wallet is your biggest fear?? How about throwing up on your date, peeing your pants, running into an evil ex girlfriend, accidentally hitting your date in the face and breaking their nose? None of those popped into your head, buddy? No? Okay…maybe that’s just me. Moving on…
So the guys above are my top picks based off of these brutal photos and blah profile answers. Now…for those of you who plan on signing up for The Bachelorette in future seasons. Let’s take a look at what you should NEVER do, courtesy of this season’s contestants.
I’m sure this guy…let’s call him Roger, since I’m too lazy to go back to his profile to check his name…is a sweet and nice guy. But you are on a TV show…trying to find the person you are going to marry. Marriage equals a serious and mature commitment. You think the girl is going to think you are serious and mature with two earrings? I know there are some women out there that may go for that sort of thing but I’m going to say you probably shouldn’t make that gamble on this show. Lesson: When vying for love you will be picked over with a fine toothed comb. Don’t let even the slightest thing depict you aren’t ready for the end result. 
I know I said the survey answers don’t really give us a true and accurate depiction of the guys but here is a perfect example of how a wrong answer can totally ruin your standing. On first glance this guy might have been one of my “diamond in the rough” picks. After reading half way through his profile I was done and over him. Really, bud? The person you’d like to be for one day is Derek Jeter because he is like a God in NYC? And what exactly do you mean by “like a God?” That he can get any chick? That he gets things handed to him? Yes, you totally seem like a guy that is going on this show to find love and not fame. Lesson: Put at least a little thought into these answers. You are trying to win over a woman (and America) for life, not a night. 
Ok, so I know guys are manly and like to be rugged or not care about their looks. And I would never expect a guy to manscape, pluck, tweeze, wax, etc. BUT…when you are going on national tv it is totally acceptable and very much appreciated if you grab your sister, best girl friend, female co-worker, and ask what you could do to polish up your look. Tweezing/waxing the eyebrows do wonders for a guys face. Lesson: Don’t be afraid to “beautify” yourself. You’re going on national television…to impress and win over your future wife. If you put a little effort into your appearance it won’t be lost on a woman. I promise. 
Again…another cute guy that just missed the mark. I am definitely one to applaud diversity and uniqueness. Clearly this guy has that going with his “hair style.” BUT…if you are going to go different with hair or clothing, you have to step it up in another area. This photo looks like it’s straight out of an 80s high school yearbook (you can also thank the horrible blue tie-dye background for that). Have a unique hairstyle but be sure your fashion is on point to balance it out. Express your style through your wardrobe? Make sure the rest of your appearance (ie: hair) doesn’t scare the girl off. Lesson: Don’t be afraid to be bold but balance it out in another area. Keep your personal style but make sure it doesn’t isolate you in a negative way.
Whelp, there’s my breakdown of this year’s guys. I’m hopeful that any negative comment I made will be proven wrong and every positive comment reinforced come night one! As always, feel free to find me on Twitter @MarissaJustMay. Monday’s will be packed with live tweeting and on Tuesday or Wednesday this blog usually has my episode recap.
What are your thoughts on this year’s round of men? Are you thinking Emily has her man in this group??

2 Responses to “The Bachelorette: Meet (my) Emily’s Men”

  1. Sara May 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Hey Marissa, do you tan in tanning beds or self tan? Thanks girl!

    • msmarissamay May 17, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

      I actually don’t do either! My Hispanic background gives me a natural tan and living in the Florida sun adds to it 🙂

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